Los Angeles Douchebagicus
Los Angeles Douchebagicus is a member of the Douchebagicus family and is most widespread in the American West. A domesticated ancestor of the wild French Douchebag, the L.A. Douchebag (as it is commonly known) survives mainly on a diet of cocaine, energy drinks, and self-synthesized “sweat of the entitled.”
Unable to survive outside of its own packs, the L.A. Douchebag tends to travel in groups of three or four, walk with an affected and often replicated swagger, and dress exactly the same as his fellow L.A. Douchebags. While able to communicate outside its species, the L.A. Douchebag prefers to speak in phrases it has seen on television or on TMZ.com.
Unlike most animals that split their time between mating and foraging for food, the L.A. Douchebag is solely focused on mating and eschews all foodstuffs in favor of hunting for silicone-enhanced females. A paradox within its species, the L.A. Douchebag goes out of its way to avoid actual procreation, leading many scientists to believe the L.A. Douchebag is midway through its evolution to a fully homosexual animal.
While the L.A. Douchebag is not limited by geography, it tends to stay in the greater Los Angeles, CA area during the week. On Friday and Saturday nights, many small packs migrate to Las Vegas where they can be found at the Palms Hotel and Casino in their full splendor.
[For the female version of the L.A. Douchebag, see Slutae Withnoselfrespecticus.]
15 Comments
June 27th, 2009 at 6:59 pm
Solid. Gold.
June 27th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
We must take you to the source. There you can observe the Los Angelas Douchebagicus in their natural habitat.
June 27th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Be very careful if you see one with a diamond-shaped head.
June 28th, 2009 at 8:42 am
I knew you were going to miss being home but this bad already?
P.S. Congratulations on avoiding the horrid puns that seem to be welling up like a bad septic on every site. And by horrid I mean obtuse and humorless.
June 28th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Ok, still looking for the link to Slutae Withnoselfrespecticus. Which reminds me, we just started watching Californication through Netflix. I see a new book in the works. What’s the Midwest Douchebagicus look like/
June 28th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
So true. The Palms = Mecca for L.A. Douchebags. You should avoid making eye contact with anyone on the 53rd floor. I’ve heard some pretty bad stuff about The Real World Suite. Zombie conversion stuff. Soylent Green kinda stuff.
June 28th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Genius. Pure genius.
June 29th, 2009 at 11:28 am
How are the LA Douchebags related to the New Jersey or Long Island D-Bags? Is there a common ancestry or are they independent evolutionary lines?
July 3rd, 2009 at 4:27 am
And this is why I tend to stay south of L.A. Not that San Diego doesn’t have our fair share of Douchebagici, but since I live in the sticks, I don’t see as many as I might if I lived in certain other areas.
God help you avoid as may LADs while you’re in Vegas.
July 3rd, 2009 at 12:20 pm
“midway through its evolution as a fully homosexual animal” . . .
classic.
I knew I loved reading you for a reason (and not just ’cause you have that dark, introspective cuteness about you)
July 24th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
You just made one of my friends from L.A. fall over on the floor and laugh out loud. Woot!
July 31st, 2009 at 11:27 am
[...] “poo,” and one Jon and Kate headline. You are quickly becoming a feeding ground for Los Angeles Douchebagicus. Stop it. There’s not much left in cable news worth watching and you’re not [...]
November 6th, 2009 at 10:28 am
[...] stand. Just sitting and waiting. It’s not quite fish in a barrel, but when the club guys (aka Los Angeles Douchebagicus) begin their migration from the clubs and toward the DUI arrests and Rohypnol cage, they are a lot [...]
December 29th, 2009 at 1:29 am
[...] Last year, a link to one story from Wil Wheaton made this superlative no contest. This year, a combination of big local interest and search engine traffic made the John Ludwig story the biggest for Rapid Eye Reality. The top two posts of the year were John Ludwig, a flying Maserati, and a dead man and John Ludwig: Murderer?. Coming in slightly behind were two from the general interest area: She showed me her no-penis and Los Angeles Douchebagicus. [...]
June 8th, 2010 at 10:22 am
[...] me you don’t want a piece of this Many more members of the Douchebagicus family (trademark Otis) have been running rampant through the halls of the Rio. Our crack photographer Matt Waldron was [...]